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06/10/03 3.45 pm
Ok, dieses Mal auf Deutsch weil ich keine Geduld habe, jetzt nach erträglichen Formulierungen in Englisch zu suchen.
Morgen um diese Zeit wird mein Ex also schon in Wien sein. Ich weiß nicht, wie ich meine Gefühle dieser Tatsache gegenüber ausdrücken soll. Manchmal erwische ich mich bei Tagträumen, in denen ich mir vorstelle wie es sein wird, wenn mein Freund wieder bei mir ist. Wenn ich das bemerke fühle ich mich nicht gerade todtraurig aber man kann auch nicht glücklich als wort benutzen um diesen Zustand zu beschreiben.
Andere Male denke ich daran, wie schön es sein könnte wenn wir wieder "nur" Freunde sind. Bei der Erinnerung wie es war, als ich ihn kennengelernt habe, muss ich noch immer lächeln. - Ich bin gespannt wie es sein wird, wenn er da ist. - Ob er mich überhaupt er wirklich so gut damit klarkommt mit mir befreundet zu sein, oder ob es nur fassade ist. - ich denke, wenn ich ehrlich bin - und das möchte ich hier sein - komme ich jetzt, da er nicht hier bei mir ist und ich ihn nicht sehe ganz gut damit klar, auf jeden fall besser als ich es mir vor ein paar monaten vorstellen hätte können. Allerdings habe ich keine ahnung wie es sein wird, wenn wir uns morgen gegenüberstehen werden. - Na, ich bin schon mal gespannt, aber ehrlich gesagt, denke ich, dass ich sowieso erschrecken werden über die Art und Weise wie er jetzt aussieht. Ich kenne ihn ja mit kurzen Haaren, aber ganz ohne Haar!! - daran werde ich mich erst gewöhnen müssen. - wenigstens wird es mir so leichter fallen ihm zu widerstehen *grins*
06/07/03 6.45 pm
Today I drove to the ranch again - it was so wonderful!!! I mean, really - it was a wonder - i haven't been on a horse for months and today everything seemed to work quite well, my teacher said that I did a good job and the horse - well, the horse followed my directions!!! - isn't that wonderful?!
I can't wait to got there again but I will have to wait for two more weeks as next weekend I'll be in Munich for the BJ-concert!! - i hope it will be ok but I guess it's not necessary to have hope like this - better to save them for times, when you need hope more!! *smiles*
Alright - got to go to prepare my dinner!!! (riding makes me hungry - i could eat a horse!! (if I wouldn't prefer to sit on it) *smiles*)
PS: I never expected to feel the way I do now. i thought I would be terribly miserable when no longer being his girlfriend but actually I feel better than before. - I have so much energy - energy that i didn't even have before or in the beginning of this relationship. I have the feeling I could run around the world!!!
06/04/03 5 pm
Alright - i have enough for today!!! Remo might not be allowed to go on her from long-hand planned Italy trip with her friends just because her father started to have a bad feeling yesterday!!! I am so sorry for her but I hope her father will become reasonable again!
then at work - i was told that i shouldn't wear this kind of clothes that i was wearing today!! - F*** you!!! - Mrs MD - you might have the money to have different clothes for each day of the year, and you live just above the office so that you can change your clothes 3 times a day, and it is you who has air conditioning in summer and not me who tries to get along with her money, is happy that she even has clothes that look nice so to be worn to work and i am the one sitting in a room with 3 other women without airconditioning, the air standing so that i can hardly breath and i have to run around all day!!! - damned, flo is mad at her too because she too was told to buy new clothes!!!
06/05/03 10.15 am
Alright - i broke up with him. As sorry as i am that it didn't work out, I'm happier now than I was in the last weeks. Last night I was able to sleep well for the first time since - i don't know but a long time!!
I guess it will be strange when he stays with me for the summer but i think i will like this change. It come at the right moment - summer starts, everybody feels better and is more relaxed. I can have fun without worrying about whom i hurt, make jealous or whatever.
I will try to let this summer pass without ending up in a desaster like last year. I wanna go out, be selfish and only do what i want to do - this are my plans and all i need is me *smiles*
06/04/03 5.30 pm
Alright - last week was pretty busy - therefore I couldn't spend as much time at the computer as usual. Quite a few things happened but in retrospect they don't seem worth mentioning except for that I will start taking western classes again - which is quite exciting for me as i love nothing more than to spend time with horses - and that i held my last english class - no more students anymore - much more time for myself *smiles*
besides that i decided that i will break up with my boyfriend - to the better for both of us. - oh - he is online - gotta go.
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